The Mask We Wear
In the spirit of Halloween, the theme of today’s post is wearing a mask.
We all have to put on a mask sometimes in our daily lives – whether it’s to get through a frustrating work meeting while maintaining professionalism or pretending to enjoy an activity to be polite. Perhaps your mask only needs to come on after a long day or in specific situations, like if you’re trying not to show how worried you are about something or to project that something doesn’t bother you when it actually does. We wear this mask for the care and consideration of others.
Unfortunately, some of us have a hard time keeping our facial expressions neutral, which can undermine the whole “putting on a mask” thing (guilty). Nevertheless, we have this mask handy in case we need it, and we’ve all had to use it.
On Halloween, we might wear a literal mask to feel like someone (or something) else for a little bit, to have fun and be silly. We paint our faces to become unrecognizable, to try on a new persona for the night, or maybe just to experiment with some outrageous makeup we’d never wear in normal circumstances.
Since being diagnosed with MS, I’ve sometimes had to put on a different kind of mask – the “brave face” mask. I’m sure my fellow chronic illness sufferers are familiar with this disguise since we all likely must wear a form of it every day. I know I’ve had to slip this one on many times.
Perhaps I woke up and just knew I wouldn’t be operating at 100% – put on the mask to get through the workday and lead those calls. Someone might, with good intentions, ask me how I’m feeling – do I say the truth, which is likely that I’m not great, or put on the mask and say, I’m good? This mask can also be a personal shield, or maybe even a deflection device – if I ignore that uncomfortable sensation in my leg or the pain in my hips, if I “mask” it from myself, I won’t have to think about it.
The mask sometimes goes on proactively, so I don’t sound like I’m constantly complaining about this or that symptom. The mask transforms a gray, overcast energy to one that’s at least partly cloudy. We wear the mask for your consideration, which might in turn help us to emerge from the gray, too!
When you live with an invisible illness, every day involves managing a multitude of uncomfortable symptoms that no one else can see. A person might only notice if you let the mask slip off. And believe me, sometimes it does! Because deciding to wear the mask or take it off is also a balancing act between feeling your authentic feelings and giving in to toxic positivity – a costume none of us should wear.
So please know this: if you feel like your loved one with a chronic illness ghosting you, it could be because they needed a break from the mask.
Today, I’m embracing my ability to slip in and out of disguise when I need to, because even when I wear the mask, I know I’m still me.
