WTF
One time my sister texted me and asked me, “Do you ever just think to yourself – ‘what the fuck?’”
I responded: yes. Sometimes, multiple times a day.
It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around this diagnosis, this axis-tilting change to my life forever. Even in the “before times,” when I knew something was wrong, and the times when my gut was telling me it was probably MS.
It hits me the most when I’m sitting in the doctor’s office, getting my infusion. How strange, I think, to be sitting here in this chair, hooked up to an IV drip, with medicine pumping into my body that is changing my immune system. How unsettling it is to know that systems in my body are going rogue – my immune system is attacking my brain.
Sometimes, it hits me when I think about the invisible nature of this disease. No one can see the strange sensations I feel in my legs and my feet that make it hard to walk.
Ironically, these WTF moments also make me feel immense gratitude – for my husband, for my family, for my friends. I’m surrounded by people who love me and care for me, and how amazing is that? Yes, this sucks, and I will not plaster toxic positivity over that fact. But I appreciate the WTF moments, because they also remind me how lucky I am.
